People Are Judging You. And?
Once upon a time, I dreamed of lifting heavy weights (I am so very serious). The year was 2017, I was in my twenties and grew up in the cardio queen era. Women did not lift weights because they would get “bulky.” Fuck you Cosmo magazine!! I remember being in college years prior and seeing the weight section packed with sweaty men. I never even considered going over there.
I sat with this desire to lift weights and did absolutely nothing with it for 7 years. SEVEN!! That’s the average number of years it takes a couple to seek professional help for a problem they’ve had that entire time. We hear about the 7 year itch in relationships. There’s gotta be something to that number. Esoteric girlies, numerology queens, weigh in-what’s happening here??
Anyways, every time for 7 years I thought about trying to lift weights I stopped myself. Joining a gym would be too intimidating. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was going to look soooo stupid. I was physically fit and exercised regularly, why couldn’t I just enjoy what I was already doing? I was too intimated to ask anyone for help. I used my 8 and 10 lb dumbbells at home to do some strength training and proceeded to do the same exercises with the same weight for years. I knew nothing about putting on muscle or progressive overload.
It took a brain tumor, brain surgery, sitting with my own mortality and becoming very disabled post surgery to say: Fuck it!! I could fucking DIE. I thought I was going to die! Learning how to lift weights isn’t going to kill me. Do I like not knowing what I’m doing? Not usually. But would feeling like a loser temporarily end my life? Nah.
So I went to the gym, I signed up with a trainer for a few sessions to learn how to use the machines and I began. I watched sooo many youtube videos on form, I found fitness professionals online who give so much free advice on what exercises to do, how frequently, what machines to use and proper form and I watched them over and over. I also watched people in the gym who knew what they were doing. There were times I’d watch someone on a machine and when they got off, I’d slink my way over there to replicate what they had just done to practice. Creepy? Maybe! Did it help me learn? Absolutely. I asked fellow gym girlies if I could watch their reps since I’m new and focusing on my form. Nobody laughed at me and even better, all of them were so excited to help. Because at some point, they were also new!
Were there times (and 1 year in, there are still many times) that I looked or felt stupid? Yep! Are there times I don’t know what I’m doing? Absolutely. But just the other week I walked into a new gym, packed with gym bros and I tried out cool machines I had never used before. I felt intimidated! I felt unsure. I wondered for ten seconds if anyone could tell. But I took a breath, put my headphones on and did my thing. And nothing bad happened. Nobody laughed me out of the building because nobody cared. And anyone who was judging me is a fucking loser not working hard enough in their own workout that they have the time and energy to judge me. Capeesh?
All of that to say, it takes time to build competency at something. When you’re new, you might be bad. You will make mistakes. You will feel stupid. Some people might judge you. I make reels on insta that I call my non aesthetic lifting videos. Do I get a ton of engagement on them? Nope. Do I care? Nope! I’m certain some people find them so cringe. But so many women message me asking how to get into lifting! And I like making them and am proud of how much stronger I am. It’s not that you learn to never care, but you can learn to care less about the shit that doesn’t matter so you have the capacity to care about the shit that does. I wish I had started lifting seven years ago but I’m here now and it’s not nearly as scary or intimidating as I once imagined.
I credit my brain surgery and all that came with it for the final push for me to actually act on a long held desire but the reality is that I was older, had been through some horrible shit and just cared less about things that don’t matter. Things such as what other people think about me, looking like a loser, making a mistake publicly and being new and bad at things! When you’re faced with something that could actually kill you, it makes it easier to remember that a feeling won’t.
The Freedom of Aging:
One of the best parts about getting older is caring less about the things that don’t matter. Namely, what other people think about me, what I’m doing and my life.
To be clear, I care A LOT about many things. It’s not cool to not give a damn about important shit. Nonchalant? I don’t know her! But wasting precious energy on things that don’t matter? Let the young folks have that. Save it for the hormonal preteens, the angsty teens, the self absorbed early twenty somethings.
I believe that there are a few pathways to get to this sense of freedom. I think it happens naturally for a lot of people as they age because the longer you’ve lived, the more life experiences (ass kicking) you’ve incurred and the more perspective you gain. It can make it easier to not fret (as much) about the minor things.
Another route to this place? Learning to embrace feelings of discomfort, especially as it pertains to looking stupid, feeling stupid, feeling incompetent, embarrassing yourself, other people’s judgment or making a mistake.
The price of feeling free to be your entire self is people judging you. Extra judgment if you are a woman or hold any marginalized identity. Heaps of judgment if your choices are counter cultural in any way!!! That really freaks people out, bless them.
It’s important to name that you may always care to varying degrees about what some people think. We are communal creatures and how other people feel about us can impact our sense of belonging in a very real way. There may also be certain areas of your life that you feel more free of judgment in or feel more apt to handle that and let it roll off versus a different aspect of yourself or your life. That is all normal.
One of my favorite things my friend (and brilliant astrologer) Colin Bedell says often is, “You gotta pay to play.” Everything comes at a price. When you allow what everyone else thinks of you to dictate your choices and ultimately how you live your life, the cost is living a life that you actually want to live based on your values. And the other side of the coin is that when you prioritize what matters to you when deciding how to live, love, work and play, the price of that is sometimes the judgment from others. Pick your hard, eh?
It’s an easy choice for me at this point in my life to not let other peoples ideas determine how I live. I think part of this is my personality and the fact that as a Virgo woman, of course I know best! But I cannot overstate the role that many of my mid life and older female clients have played into my commitment to living my life for myself and not for the approval of other people. When you spend hundreds of hours in a therapy room with older women who share their hard earned wisdom, you listen. And you fucking learn.
The Price We Pay When We Live for Others
Living to please others? It’s gonna cost you. If you do it long enough, you might wake up in a life that feels suffocating. A life filled with people and obligations and choices that you don’t actually want. You can find yourself unsure of what you even want, what you like and who you are. And it will feel like an absolute mind fuck because technically, you did choose this. But it won’t feel like you did because the choice driver was what other people thought, what other people wanted or what you thought other people wanted. You’re left with the urge to burn it all down, the terror of beginning again or maybe even a resolve to stuff your own feelings down with the hope that they change over time or go away. Pro-tip: They won’t. Wherever you go, there you are. You cannot outrun yourself. If you find yourself in this place, you must connect with other people. Friends who understand, a support group, a therapist, an elder who has seen it all. You’ll need people to help you in your process of coming home to yourself and in making choices that honor you without slipping into old habits. You do not necessarily have to burn it all down but you probably are going to have to make some changes. You know what’s more scary than change when you’re not living in your truth? Things staying exactly the same. Spooky season but all year round!
What’s so interesting is that oftentimes the judgment we are so afraid of is not nearly as bad as we make it out to be in our minds. Sometimes it is and sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes we lose relationships that meant a lot to us. But people who only want to be around you when you do what they want? Exhausting, draining, infuriating! You deserve better. I mean it.
The pathway to our own truth and to the freedom as living as our full selves is being able to sit with the uncomfortable feelings we have. Not just about what other people think about our wants, needs, desires and choices but with what we think about them. Sometimes our own self judgment is the meanest and loudest voice in the room. If we can sit with it, name it and allow it to be present without letting it run the show (our life), we might just be able to let it pass right through us. It’s a lot like a meditation practice. It’s not about having “control” and an empty, silent mind. The practice is really about redirecting yourself to the present moment when you find your mind wandering. The same rule applies to your own internal voice of judgment. Acknowledge it, stop trying to fight it and then redirect your focus to what you actually want. Rinse and repeat, as many times as it takes.
If you want to live an interesting life, a life where you try new things or have hobbies or do things that make you happy-you are gonna have to be new at things. You’re going to feel stupid. You’re going to look stupid to yourself and maybe to other people. But that discomfort is temporary. The life you build for yourself is yours, every moment of every day until you die. That is your life. And I believe our lives are made up from a million tiny moments in the day to day, which means the choices we make (and don’t make) matter. They make up our Life with a capital L.
The judgment you incur from other people is fleeting. Because other people think about you for 5 seconds and then go back to their own lives. And if you can stomach those 5 seconds and then return your attention to your own life, you will find that you care less and less over time. It’s a skill you build, a muscle you strengthen through repetition. It’s also important to note that anyone who has taken a risk, tried something new, done something interesting or different is not going to judge you (and if they do, they’ve forgotten their roots). Most people remember how scary it is to do something new or different. To be a beginner. To fail. To fail publicly. And they will not judge you. They will think you are brave and will be cheering you on.
And as for you, if you find yourself harshly judging someone else for doing something “cringe” or different, well my friend that could be an area you need some self exploration in. Perhaps they are venturing into something you secretly want for yourself but feel like you’re not allowed to have or do?? Perhaps?? Of course you can’t cheer on someone else for something you deny yourself. But why are you denying yourself that thing exactly? Just food for thought, take it or leave it. I can tell you it’s a lot more fun to cheer for people than it is to judge them. You’ll have a lot more wonderful and interesting people in your life if you heap love and support onto them.
My wish for you is that you are honest with yourself about the things you want for your life and the feelings that come with those desires. I hope you know that you can survive the judgment from other people and even from yourself. I want you to remember that on the other side of being new at something, feeling stupid, and being judged is an entire life that belongs to you created by you just for you! It comes at a cost of course, all things do. You gotta pay to play! But it’s my opinion that it’s so worth it. Be cringe, be free and live the life that you actually want.
Love to you always,
Alyssa
