High Maintenance & Proud
One of my favorite books and movies is Gone Girl. Picture this: It’s 2015/2016. I’m sitting in a restaurant in downtown Durham, North Carolina meeting with some of Chris’ med school buddies. I do not know them well at all. We’re talking movies and favorite movie scenes. Without thinking, I begin to describe in great detail a scene from Gone Girl where the main character does something incredibly violent and is covered in blood. It’s primal, it’s raw, it’s powerful and it’s terrifying. I realize suddenly that the table has gone very quiet. Chris’ eyes are wide. My face turns a bit red but I smile. Some of his medical student friends surely think I’m out of my mind. I have cemented my reputation as absolutely not a chill, cool girl.
On the car ride home, Chris and I get into a tiff (isn’t that the funniest fucking word). We did that so often in our twenties, I’m exhausted thinking about it. I lament: You’re embarrassed of me?!!?! He shakes his head, “No, of course not. But these people don’t know you at all and you were describing a really violent movie scene so enthusiastically.” While I understand to a degree what he meant, I refuse to adjust my behavior. Get with it or get lost. I’m not for everyone and that’s okay. I am an enthusiastic lover of women terrifying men in film. And if my love of that and detailed description of it scared some of the men in that restaurant a decade ago? Delightful!
Maybe you think this is the part where I tell you that I’ve mellowed over time. People have told me that I would since I was a teenager. I’m thrilled to tell you that isn’t the case at all and that I have actually honed my skillset of being myself so fully that people have said to my face that they don’t understand me. Today, if I say something a bit (or a lot) off the wall, Chris gets a little twinkle in his eye, shaking his head in what I’ve decided is admiration for my refusal to tone it down.
I am not a cool girl. I am not chill. I am not down to Earth. I do not go with the flow, I’m not up for whatever and you will almost never hear me say, “I don’t care, whatever you want is fine by me.” I have strong opinions, personal preferences, wants, needs, desires and my own ideas about most things. A man in my grad school program described me as “strong willed” when I repeatedly pushed back on his problematic viewpoint in class, saying it in that way where he wanted to call me a stubborn bitch but dared not say that to my face. I wish he had, I would have reveled in verbally eviscerating him.
I express myself freely because I simply would combust if I tried to hold things in, tamper myself, push any of it down and try to be some palatable and small version of myself. I do not appeal to the masses and that’s okay because I know who I am. And I like that pain in the ass woman whose gaze I can hold in the mirror. Not a cool girl, not a nice girl, not easy going, not for everyone. A high maintenance pain in the ass. *Puts crown on head and shimmies into a sash*
All of my medical issues alone immediately sky rocket me to the top of the list of high maintenance queens. I see more doctors and specialists in 6 months than some people see in ten years (definitely not a brag). Going out to a restaurant I’ve never been to before? I’m scouring the menu and if need be, I’m calling the establishment to make sure there is something there I can consume safely. You know what makes doing that so easy for me now? The fact that at the end of the day, when everyone else is living their lives and not thinking about me at all, I am the only person living in this body and this life. If I were to try and act chill and put something into my mouth that could trigger a painful flare up, the waiter is not going to be sitting up with me at 3 in the morning while I wait for the pain to pass. If I don’t speak up on my own behalf, advocate for myself in not just health situations but all my relationships and my life, I am the one who will suffer. That is something I get to take responsibility for, to adjust my actions in order to care for myself.
Being high maintenance is first and foremost a state of being that I have to contend with and to maintain. It is primarily my job to take care of myself. It certainly impacts the people closest to me, especially my husband but it’s my responsibility. It’s what I am willing or unwilling to do in order to take care of my own needs. What’s worse: Momentary awkwardness, the judgment of a stranger or acquaintance or the more lasting pain and consequences of me keeping my mouth shut so that I don’t bother anyone or rub them the wrong way? That is such an easy choice for me today.
I do want to make space here for mentioning that it can be really difficult to step into ownership of your wants, needs and desires if you struggle greatly with self esteem and self worth. Even positing it in a way that is about minimizing your own suffering holds the belief that you don’t feel that you deserve to suffer, which is connected to self esteem and self worth. If you don’t feel worthy of taking up space, having wants, needs, dreams, and desires, it’s going to feel really challenging to own an empowered pain in the ass title. I highly recommend working with a professional if this is a major area of struggle because it impacts our relationships and our lives so deeply.
Life is filled with times of suffering. Things wildly out of our control that we have to endure. I try very hard not to add to my own pain and struggle. There is no need. It’s okay to have wants, needs, desires and opinions that might be seen as inconvenient to other people. You do not have to be pretty, pleasing and polite to belong. I mean, maybe to belong to some people. But surely, you will find people who love you for the sometimes pain in the ass you might be. I marvel all the time about the people in my life who love me tremendously. Me! I can be an absolute nightmare! And still, they love me so. I think about one of my childhood friends, who to this day holds a serious grudge against a girl we went to elementary school with. If you even mention this girl’s name, she gets so worked up and it makes me laugh every single time. I shake my head, thinking: what a piece of work. I love her! May she hold this absurd grudge always. It’s hilarious and she is so earnest in her feelings, 25 years later.
My favorite people are strong willed in their commitment to being who they are. They are real, honest, messy human beings. They are sometimes hypocritical (we all are), they change their minds and opinions but they will not make themselves smaller. I really admire that. When I meet someone new and I get a glimpse of their inner world, even if it’s just for a moment, it always makes me smile. Of course we try to put our best foot forward in new situations and when meeting new people. But I also like to see glimpses of the person that might show up if I had known them for years. A whole ass person whose inner thoughts might ruffle some feathers, whose wants, needs, dreams or goals might be off putting to some.
While I am loud and public in who I am, my opinions, wants and needs, you do not have to be if that is not who you are. Your way may be more quiet and more subtle but that does not make you easy going, chill, or low maintenance. And it certainly does not make what you want and need less important than the person who loudly declares themselves whenever they enter a space (points to self). Don’t let anyone mistake your more quiet or gentle nature for submissiveness or low maintenance, okay? You can be a quiet high maintenance pain in the ass!!! I’ve seen it and I like it.
I want to champion this in people, particularly in women and femmes, because so many of us have been lied to. We were told that in order to belong and to be loved, we had to show up a certain way for other people. You could not fully be yourself, your wants could only be so big before they became off putting.You did not want to be seen as a problem or someone who would cause problems. Being a woman with audacity is offensive to some people. How boring their lives must be! If you take up too much space with all you feel, want and need then nobody will choose you. The horror! May I posit the real horror: Being chosen by people for a false self you have presented and then having to maintain that version of yourself for years to come.
Of course there is nuance here. Being high maintenance and a sometimes pain in the ass is not the same as being a person who stomps on everyone and everything around them in order to get their way. Quite the opposite, if I may! The more you flex the muscle of being a high maintenance human out loud, the better you will be able to advocate for other people. Being high maintenance and honoring that piece of you requires you to have a voice and to use it. You will have to advocate for yourself often. It is a waste to not use that voice when it comes to other people and important causes. If you’re asking for a lot, you better be giving a lot!
This entire piece was inspired by a conversation in my DMs with a gorgeous friend (not a low maintenance girly, she is put together and styled to the Gods and knows who she is and what she wants) who said Gone Girl is her comfort movie. That she loves how terrified the husband is of his wife at the end. I feel the same way! I thought about how if I saw any of my previous entanglements out in real life, I think some of them would feel fear in their bodies and walk swiftly to get away from me. I don’t think they’d run, it would turn on my predator instinct and I might start hunting (I mean running). And call me sick, but that makes me laugh to imagine. Why might they be afraid? Because my pain in the ass might actually say things to them I should have said 20 years ago. Because they know it’s not a safe bet to expect that I might just be chill, low key and polite, offering a casual wave and a small smile. It depends on the day I’d say ;)
Raising a glass of sparkling soda to my high maintenance, sometimes pain in the ass babes out there. You change the fucking world just by being who you are. You give other people permission to want, to dream, to have desires and to express them so they may come to fruition. You know that closed mouths don’t get fed. I’m so glad you exist. May you cause a commotion everywhere you go.
I’m off to put together the meal I’ve had planned in my head for three days and then to do my extensive skincare routine before I get my 8 hours of sleep with my three pillows and two fans and the temp set to 68 degrees exactly.
In High Maintenance Solidarity,
Alyssa
