What if the Journey Sucks?
You know the cliche. Life’s about the journey and not the destination.
Everyone tells us to enjoy the journey, but what if the journey sucks? And what if parts of the journey suck so badly that you don’t think you’ll make it out?
I don’t have a neat and tidy answer to that. But I’ve collected some thoughts and ideas from the shitty parts of my journey to share with you.
When You’re the Reason It’s Shit (Because it happens):
Alright, so sometimes the journey fucking sucks. It’s true. I spent a lot of my twenties making the journey shit for myself by engaging in self destructive behaviors, drinking to excess, being incredibly self absorbed and generally acting like an asshole. So of course the journey was often shit. I also had very little perspective and I found it oddly comforting to be mired in my own shit all the time. I’d look around at whatever mess I’d made, filled with shame and self loathing but also a strange pride like, “Look at this mess I’ve made! My mess. Mine. You wouldn’t get it because I’m just a complicated and messy woman! No one understands me!”
I think this is pretty common, especially if you hold many layers of privilege the way I have and do, which allow you the time and freedom to create your own struggles. Common as it may be, it’s also insufferable. And with age I can see how the majority of the things I was suffering with were self inflicted. The privileges I held meant life circumstances weren’t so oppressive to me that I instead created my own suffering and struggle, unnecessarily so. Possibly to justify why I felt so self punitive and harsh towards myself without having to sit with those feelings and heal them. And the mid 30s woman I am now kind of wants to smack that version of me and say, “You spoiled, petulant child. Life is going to beat your ass in the coming years and then you will know true suffering. Why put yourself through this when you could just enjoy your life before it becomes terrifying???”
But that’s the thing about youth. That frontal lobe isn’t developed fully or we just haven’t managed to pull our heads out of our own ass to look around and remember there’s an entire world out there and we are not the center of everything all the time. Sweet relief you spoiled brat!
With age I’ve come to realize that self imposed suffering is (often) the simpler journey to work through because you just have to get out of your own way (easier said than done of course, but doable). It means the power is truly in your hands. It will probably take work, time and maybe professional support, but if you want to, you can do a lot to change your experience. To have a more enjoyable jOurNeY.
If it’s you, what can you do?
Recognize your role in things and ask for help. Be kind to yourself please-beating yourself up for being an asshole does not help, I promise. It makes you feel worse and leaves you with less energy to focus on what matters: making different choices and changing your behavior. You can do it! Once you’re sick enough of your own shit, you will do something else. I’ve seen it a million times! We’re not as unique in our struggles as we think we are.
But what about when you’re a less insufferable human being and you genuinely desire to enjoy your life but the journey starts beating your ass? Circumstantially speaking?? Like you’re really doing your best on your end regarding all the things in your control. You’re sober, you do a lot to take care of your health, you spend most of your time minding your business and working on your work but then life starts imploding all around you and you didn’t even do anything this time?? Asking for a friend…
When Life is Beating Your Ass and You’re Innocent, Your Honor!
There are moments in the journey where you just have to hang on for dear life. I’m sorry to tell you that sometimes when the journey fucking sucks, you are not going to have a good time. I’m delighted to tell you that this also won’t last forever. That the terrifying, sad, grief filled, shitty parts of our lives do not go on in perpetuity. That just as sometimes things are truly awful, sometimes they are so incredible that we feel so lucky to be alive. One of the things I’ve told many clients over the years, my loved ones and myself in moments where things are awful or we feel awful: This sucks and it won’t always be this way or feel this way. But it certainly does not minimize our current plight. It’s a reminder that it won’t always feel *this* awful, a tiny thread to pull on when you feel lost in the dark.
In the hopes that I do not sound like a cynical boomer, we are actually not entitled to things going our way, being easy or being good all of the time. Even if you’re a good person. Even if you do all the things you’re supposed to do. Sometimes life just happens and sometimes it fucking sucks. The longer you live, the more you will experience the full spectrum of being a person including the good, the bad and everything in between.
The Most Helpful Things To Do During a Life Ass Beating in Short Form:
The more serious it gets, the less serious you must take yourself.
To balance the sadness and pain you are experiencing, laugh as much as you can whenever possible. Be around people who make you laugh.
Life is absurd. We must remember this.
Sometimes we can make meaning out of things we go through, other times it’s okay to look at the sky, shake your fist and scream: What the actual FUCK man!
Stop trying to make a season of winter into a summer. You’ll only frustrate yourself. Hermit if you need to hermit. Just as the Earth moves through seasons, so may you. You and your life will not always feel bountiful.
Remember that the journey might absolutely suck, but you do not.
Do not let the awful parts turn you into an asshole.
Lean on community-and professionals you pay for support are a part of your community (therapist, coach, massage therapist, nail technician, librarian at your local library, barista at your coffee shop, your favorite yoga instructor). Do not write off the comfort in small, low stakes mundane interactions with people that don’t need anything from you. It might be all you have energy for and that’s okay.
Now for the Nuance (because an ass beating can’t be fixed with bullet points):
I think two of the most helpful things to do when the journey sucks is to surrender to the suckage and learn how to endure the painful shitty parts. Do not waste energy fighting and resisting what’s happening. Surrender to it in the sense that you are honest about what’s happening and how you feel about it without overidentifying with it. When we become our pain and allow it to eat away at us, we spread pain all around us and often leave bodies in our wake. We hurt people because we refuse to acknowledge our own hurt. Maybe it’s too scary to admit that the horrible thing you’re experiencing is so beyond your control so instead you create pain to pretend you are in charge. This is not helpful and you are fooling no one!
What does it look like to endure the painful pieces? You face it, sit with what’s happening and your feelings about it and name your experience. You decide: Will this own me forever? Will the entirety of my life and journey be the shitty parts? You do not have to be grateful, you don’t have to make meaning or art from your pain. But it will change you. In good ways and sometimes not so good ways. Can you be with that truth? For about two years after my brain surgery, my tolerance for other people was lower than I ever could have imagined. I was often repulsed and annoyed with other people and their mundane issues and complaints. That was a not so great way my surgery changed me and guess what? While it did last two years, it did not last forever and I have found a beautiful ability to not overidentify emotionally with other people’s issues the way I used to before my surgery. Game changer. I can actually now tolerate way more than I could prior to surgery. I have distance, perspective and wisdom that was hard earned. It sucked in the moment but the perspective it gave me has brought immense peace and contentment to my life today.
How do we not let the shitty parts of our journey turn us into terrible human beings (permanently-you might be a bitter asshole for a while, speaking from personal experience)? You must remember this suckage is not your new home. You don’t have to live here forever. It is not who you are and you do not have to embrace it as your new identity. Do not let the shit that happens to you eclipse your soul. That’s often where people get stuck. When we merge with what’s happening instead of remembering that we are not what we feel and we are not the things that happen to us. When we overidentify with the situation and lose the anchor of the person we are underneath it, then even when the skies clear and the storm passes, we often find ourselves continuing to cling for dear life and ignoring all indications that things are all clear or at the very least, better than they were.
Practical Things You Can Do:
During our darkest times, we absolutely may need to hermit or cocoon. You may need a significant amount of alone time. And also: You need things outside of yourself and you need other people. You need community. You need communion, whether that’s with other people, animals, a spiritual practice, the earth or whatever reminds you of who you are underneath the rubble. You must lean on that.
Find an outlet for the pain that the shitty times generate. Some of mine are walking in the woods, lifting weights, curling up with a fantasy book to escape my own life and telling the stories of what I’ve experienced (oversharing online is a form of creative expression, fight me on it). Yours could be music, dancing, movement of some kind, making something with your hands, making comfort food, baking something, indulging in a hobby, etc.
What if the shitty parts, your pain and your suffering is not the end of you and not your downfall but just a piece of fabric in the quilt of your life? Maybe something you can share with others or maybe not. Maybe it’s enough for just you to know you made it through a really shitty part of your journey. There will be more, that’s for certain. But you will be more equipped than you ever were to move through it, for you have had practice. And the great news is there will also be more wonderful parts of your journey. You’re gonna have it all baby! Some pain, some pleasure, high highs, low lows and all the mundane moments in between. No rainbows with no rain or something like that, right?
That’s the journey. Many have come before us, many will after and many still are walking it parallel to us. We may not see them but I always take comfort in knowing I am never experiencing any part of my journey alone. Someone somewhere knows just how I feel. I wish them well.
Loving you,
Alyssa
